Isolation

The older  I get older the more perspective I have. The original concept for this blog came out of the idea that I felt like I was hurtling into the unknown when the pandemic started. 

Very early into Covid I realized I wasn’t struggling as much as other people. My therapist helped me realize two things, (but only the first for my ability to stay on track today), that I had already been living a very solitary life since moving out of Alaska when I was in my early thirties.

My ex husband worked on the oil fields located in the remote areas of Alaska. His schedule required him to be gone between 2 and 12 weeks and then home about two weeks as an average. Over the course of our 22 year relationship he was home for 40% of the year. When he was off work it was his vacation time and it was well deserved but his level of investment of what I was experiencing while he was gone was minimal. 

I can make friends anywhere, but we all know it’s really challenging to find new friends as an adult, as a woman without kids, as a new person in town, as someone with chronic health issues, and middle aged that will be enduring through joy and trauma. Being diagnosed as neurodivergent helps me understand the trouble I’ve had connecting to larger communities. 

After we got divorce I moved to Palm Springs, Ca.. If you don’t know where that is, it is a tiny town in a cluster of tiny towns in Southern California. Desert living is recommended for the management a variety of health issues. I did not anticipate a pandemic and hadn’t really considered what could happen if I was so far away from family and friends.

I knew Covid wasn’t a flash in the pan, that’s not how pandemics work. I changed my life right away. I got a therapist, I went on meds and I lived for two years in my apartment trying not to get Covid, or at least postpone it until there were treatments available. I worked, I hiked, I cooked, I healed. 

I found out I really like being alone. I felt very safe and connected to myself. I often feel more alone when I’m needing to interact with the world at large. 

Here’s a few books that I’ve read over the years that were the most impactful for helping me understand loneliness. There’s also now a large amount of literature coming out about how long term loneliness, abandonment, and trauma physically changes the structure of our brain, which in turn impacts our health. 

Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection by John T. Cacioppo

The Stranger in the Woods: The Extraordinary Story of the Last True Hermit

Hardcover – Deckle Edge

The Art of Living: Peace and Freedom in the Here and Now By Thich Nhat Hanh

All of the times my loneliness was overwhelming was when I was with other people but staying home is not going to make me feel better. I’ve been on my own, for thirty six years and over time the opposite happened, I feel disconnected from everything and now alone with Steven. 

BUT 

(Insert “I like your big but Simone” My favorite movie quote) 

in order to retrain my nervous system I have to remember that there’s a lot of safe people out there, and most of them don’t even mind how eccentric I’ve become. I suspect some of them like it and if they don’t that’s ok. I have to keep trying to like myself and that doesn’t always make me popular. 

I’m confident I can stay in orbit between Mars and Earth a while longer, the COMMS are back up and receiving signals.