December 6

Today would have been my second wedding anniversary to Steven who passed away after suffering a spinal cord injury, resulting in quadriplegia, four months ago. His urn arrived in the mail yesterday but I can't open the box yet, it's too painful. Life and death shouldn't share space together. I won't associate the best thing that ever happened to me, with the worst thing.

I found a letter from him. It was overwhelming to read after so long, it had been tucked away in a drawer under other papers. I could hear him very clearly and in the letter he said he had been searching his whole life for his home and he finally found it me. I couldn't have written more truth about our relationship than he did in that letter.

Everything with Steven was beautiful and tragic, the ying to my yang and that has to be celebrated, like my anniversary today. I want to remember how fucking awesome that day was. We were in Las Vegas feeling like we hit the jackpot getting married to each other. A year ago I might have said something different, who wants to love when it hurts so much to lose it? But now it makes me feel extremely lucky, grateful and humbled by the awe of life and love. 

I have to talk, and write, about him. I learned so much from him and we had a power packed three years together. Some of that time together was tumultuous but isn't that how great loves are? He loved all of me, he understood me before me, he taught me to be confident in who I am, how to take care of myself, even during his eleven months in the hospital I learned so much about grace and kindess from him. 

The end of his letter reads "I promise that I will make it to you... "La mia stella polare sono tuo per sempre, mio fiore deserta" , which roughly translated from Italian to English is, "My North Star, I am yours forever, my desert flower"