Therapy

Do you remember the movie I’m Gonna Get You Sucka?  The main character leaves prison in his original clothes but twenty years later. He’s feeling pretty good about himself until the people on the street start to laugh and stare. He starts to walk faster, to try to run away and the goldfish bowl platform shoes break and he has to limp home. 

I’ve been on train derailments, I've had to through extreme wildfire areas, I’ve been in an 8.4 earthquake and in Hawaii during a huge eruption of Mauna Loa. Fighting my agoraphobia has become a very real daily struggle.

It's been a year since my husband's psychotic break (see previous posts) caused us to have to separate. I'm still managing daily acute symptoms related to PTSD. I'm seeing therapists because that's what everyone says I should be doing. 

As the anniversary of last year descended on me I started having intrusive thoughts and near constant panic attacks. Intrusive thoughts are new to me and terrifying, especially when I'm managing impulse control issues related to executive function disorder. 

My new therapist keeps telling me that I'm doing well for the conditions I've been living in for the last two years but that's not how I feel. 

The only solution is to sit and wait. Feel your feelings and while you're waiting for the shit storm to pass it's the perfect time to take personal inventory to decide what you want to keep with you.

I think what I'm trying to say is that the world is a scary place but the fear it brings doesn't have to crush us. Remember who you are, even if it's twenty years out of fashion and hold your head high because you're doing great.