Widow by the Window

November is National Novel Writer's Month, or more well known as NanoWriMo, is a month dedicated to writing your story in 50,000 words. It began in 1999 and is a yearly tradition for many, including me and my siblings. I've never completed it but this year I thought maybe now I have that many words for a novel.  

Two days after my last blog post my husband chose to be removed from life saving devices. He was surrounded by his family. They did not let me know. They did not let me speak to him. They had a secret memorial service that was widely known by extended family and friends  purposefully kept from me. His family used my maiden name on his official death certificate. They asked me to pay his sister 250$ to get his remains because they didn't want that. It was addressed with my maiden name. 

There's been so many defining moments in my life but the last two years felt like whiplashes of intense and messy growth periods. Marrying Steven, having to flee from him, his fall, and then this, whatever this is, with his family. This insanity. I'm not the same person I was two years, a year, a month ago and I realized I did have a 50k story in me after all. I'm using this blog post as an extra sprinkle towards my end goal.

I knew writing a memoir so soon after Steven's passing would be challenging but I like challenges. They have always given me to occasion to know myself better in some way. I couldn't write every day because I would get too emotional. In the last week as I sat for long hours pushing to finish on time I would find myself sobbing so hard my tears had pooled in my glasses. 

I want my story to be about resilience, the vital importance of cultivating it. Without it no one gets through the downs and downs, and ups. I want Steven's story to be about determination because without it he couldn't stay healthy, but he did for me. Finally, I want our story to be about hope, faith, forgiveness and love. 

All of last year I would sit next to the front window, looking at the world, waiting to hear news about Steven. I was at the window when I found out by an accidental slip of a nurse about Steven going off life support. I stood at the window watching the leaves turn while the nurse let me speak to him and I told him that I understood and I loved him. He told me he loved me and he would have them call me the next day. I was at the window looking at nothing when his sister called the next day telling me he passed and that he didn't want to speak to me and, "I could be mad at her if I wanted.". So much has happened outside of my window.

Since Steven passed I've started a new program for my post covid symptoms that has enabled me to walk again and I'm slowly rebuilding my strength. I'm going to travel over the winter and keep working on being healthy and I'm going to celebrate Steven everywhere, all year for both of us. 

Finishing this memoir was a big step for me and creating closure. He wanted his story be shared, understood and maybe to inspire others. It has been an act of catharsis but the pain isn't going anywhere. Steven was the love of my life, or my soulmate, if you will. I won't find that again. I'm not supposed to. 

I'll be in Las Vegas to spread some ashes for our second wedding anniversary. I feel lucky and grateful everything life has for me right now. I eat lucky charms every morning for extra rainbows, I take my dad's dogs for walks outside in the bitter cold because I can, I talk to my friends, I laugh at the TV. That's what Seven would want. 

I have to live with the same amount of passion and lust for life that Steven did in order to help carry his memory forward. I hope that, at least is inspiring today. 

PS. Yesterday was the two year anniversary of us driving to Douglas County Nevada to get our marriage license.