Anti Hero

The anti hero is a protagonist or notable figure in a story who is conspicuously lacking in traditional heroic qualities 

I recently decided to take on all of Taylor Swift’s backlog. During the Super Bowl frenzy I realized that I wasn’t very familiar with most of her career. Her song The Anti Hero has been stuck in my head for a while. 

Lyrics:

I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser

Midnights become my afternoons
When my depression works the graveyard shift
All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room

I should not be left to my own devices
They come with prices and vices
I end up in crisis (tale as old as time)
I wake up screaming from dreaming
One day I'll watch as you're leaving
'Cause you got tired of my scheming
(For the last time)

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
At tea time, everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby
And I'm a monster on the hill
Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city
Pierced through the heart, but never killed

Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism
Like some kind of congressman? (Tale as old as time)
I wake up screaming from dreaming
One day I'll watch as you're leaving
And life will lose all its meaning
(For the last time)

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me (I'm the problem, it's me)
At tea time, everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

I have this dream my daughter in-law kills me for the money
She thinks I left them in the will
The family gathers 'round and reads it and then someone screams out
"She's laughing up at us from hell"

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
It's me, hi, everybody agrees, everybody agrees

It's me, hi (hi), I'm the problem, it's me (I'm the problem, it's me)
At tea (tea) time (time), everybody agrees (everybody agrees)
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

Here’s what Taylor said about this song in an interview

"You know, I struggle a lot with the idea that my life has become unmanageably sized, and that I, you know … not to sound too dark, but, like, I struggle with the idea of not feeling like a person."

Nothing has felt more true to me this year. When I was working on my masters degree in Depth Psychology all of our assignments required diving into the shadow side of the psyche, Our shadow side is the side of ourselves we’d rather pretend is not there. It’s not our idealized ego personality. I started recognizing all the ways I had not taken personal responsibility for actions. I spent a lot of time thinking about how I wanted to show up in the world because I haven’t been feeling like a good person. Aren’t we all too tired, and too sick, to work on relationships that feel one sided? That’s what we’re all telling ourselves.

But

Sometimes it’s me, I’m the problem

It hurts to know that I played a part in ending treasured friendships and alienating family. I miss those relationships but not everyone is obligated to forgive me, or to have a two way conversations about strengthening our relationships rather than ending them. My tea time conversations with myself have been a little messy. Thankfully I’m getting more used to my messiness.

Hi, It’s me