It’s Complicated To Be A Woman

Being a woman is complicated. My mom started talking about womanhood to me when I was fairly young. I’m assuming most women spend most of their life thinking about having kids. There’s so much that happens in a woman’s life. I’ve written about my struggles with this motherhood previously.

My parents were 19 when I was born and were not emotionally ready to be parents, when I got pregnant at 19 I knew I wasn’t ready to be a parent and my choice to terminate my pregnancy. This was not an easy decision and it was deeply traumatic for me for a long time.  I had to choose and of course since then I’ve always wondered “what if?”. I also experience two miscarriages with my ex husband who adamantly did not want to have kids. I was 22 when we met and I was 32 when we got married. I was already started feeling differently about the possibility of kids. When I was 35 I had to have an hysterectomy. I asked my ex husband if he’d want to adopt, to which he said “whatever”. No he did not change his mind about having children. During my late 30s and 40s I spend a lot of time with my half siblings who were young children, as well as my nieces and nephews from my full siblings. There were different times over the years when my nieces actually lived with me. I chose to volunteer with a shelter for teen women who were pregnant. In my late 40’s alone in a pandemic I thought I’d never have the opportunity to be a mother but was excited when Steven and I got married and I became a step mom at 51. His son’s mother and Steven do not have an easy custody arrangement and she was not interested in me being introduced.

I keep becoming un mothered. 

My mom and I are close now but it hasn’t always been that way. We haven’t always had an easy relationship but we were both growing up at the same time. I’m really proud of the woman she continues to become. My dad has been married four times and I’m not in touch with those mothers. I started a “Missed Motherhood” support group in Oregon but most of those women didn’t feel as conflicted as I did, or they didn’t voice it. I miss my ex mother in law who practically raised me but stopped communicating after the divorce. My new mother in law isn’t interested in gaining another daughter.

I continue to be un mothered but I have found a mother inside of myself, that sounds corny but she’s has gotten me through every day so far. So many women struggle on their path to motherhood and being a mother is the hardest job you’ll ever do. Moms deserve this day and many more and don’t forget to celebrate yourself at the very last.